I remember once upon a time not feeling pretty. I remember when I did not feel worthy of anything but what I was accepting. I remember having low self-esteem; despite the fact men would try to holler at me I didn’t see what they saw. I let my ex knock my self-esteem down to the ground. He would say things to me like, “Nobody’s gonna to want you but me.” “Your not good in the bed that’s why I cheat all the time.” He would call me names like stupid and fat b****** so much I became numb to it and tried to repress it. But I was only fooling myself I believed every word of it. Even when we were out together if a man tried to holla at me he would laugh and shake his head. Or if they gave me a compliment he would instantly say “he’s just lying to you he’s just trying to get some azz.” Sometimes I would smile and he would get angry and pick a fight with me, his favorite line to me was “your OTG so I am not worried (out the game).”

When he would call me fat it would slice through me, I mean I couldn’t help that I grew a butt and hips but it angered me. I ran off the fat doctor to get some weight loss pills just to prove a point to him. I didn’t care what they gave me I just wanted to loose weight, fast. I can’t even remember the last time he told me I was beautiful, it was always a negative comment from him. I remember being at my wit’s end with him and I told my best friend that I was going to run away because I was tired and I said “I don’t even care anymore, if I never get another man it doesn’t matter, I’m done and tired of men.” She asked me why would I say something like that, “you can’t get another man” I looked at her because it was something that was planted so deep into my head that I stayed in a bad relationship way longer than I should have.

I told her that I knew I probably was going to be single because I had two kids and I wasn’t all of that. The way she looked at me after I made that comment I will never forget. She looked at me and asked me why did I let him knock my self-esteem down so low. I couldn’t answer her back because even I didn’t know the answer; she said to me “Men try to get at you all the time so why are you believing the lies he is telling you.” She told me to wake up and look in the mirror and stop letting him put me down and making me feel little. That night we went out and a guy pulled up on the side of us and tried to holla and of course he started to put me down but I told him his words no longer affected me. I told him I am the same woman he’s is hanging on to and if he doesn’t think I’m the s*** he can dismiss his azz out of my life. Needless to say from that day on I became comfortable in my own skin and started to love me for the way I am.

We have to love ourselves the way we are and if we need to make changes we need to do it for ourselves. So many of us go around trying to be what others want us to be, but you will never be happy in life. Live your life for you and surround yourself with positive people who want the best for you. I learned a valuable lesson about self-love in that relationship. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect others to love you either. I finally woke up and saw me for the first time and everyday I love what I see. Beauty is only skin deep I believe the saying goes if your ugly on the inside your ugly on the outside. I finally love the skin I’m in and nobody can tear me down ever again.